So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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