i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
