this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
