did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
