you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
