In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
