nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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