I skipped work to stalk him.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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