I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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