I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The air was thick with penises
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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