Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize