The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
