dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The best revenge is premature balding
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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