When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
