omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
