Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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