Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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