So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
