If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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