My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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