My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i drank out of a bidet.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
