Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I have demons in me.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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