I wish I could teleport
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm at about main and main street
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
