Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
