and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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