I got chris browned last night
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
