Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
