anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize