i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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