k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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