he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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