Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
