When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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