I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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