So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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