Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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