so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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