I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
