2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
