Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
