How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
