my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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