i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
