Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
