Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
