Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
They are going to name an STD after you.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
