Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
