woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
