The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
