this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
