I am spending my child support on dildos
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
