You really coming over, don't trick.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Two words: blizzard sex
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
