I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
