If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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